A Fearful Life...

I have always been a worrier.  A "what if " girl.  I follow the rules.  I take the high road.  Risk is something I am completely terrified of.  So, what do the "powers that be" decide to challenge me with in my life? Well those of you who know me, know all too well.

I think I am hanging tough.  I know the right things to say and do, for the most part, to convince all of you out there that I am not totally losing my mind.  I can spout positivity, optimism, and humor in order to appear as if I've got this life of mine handled and under control.  I know I have my moments.  Don't we all, right?

Then, once in a while, I get a zinger.  A "hit me upside the head" kinda thing that makes me realize that I need to be totally honest with myself and you sometimes.  One of those zingers happened a week ago.  (Read below post,  the quote from my friend Casey)  I felt compelled to share it with those of you who are close to me.  Afterall, if you read this ol' blog of mine you are someone who, at the very least, has taken time to know me and earn my trust.

Well, number two zinger happened today.  Below I will share a simple post that was left on a message board I follow.  The National Hydrocephalus Foundation has a public message board online so that patients with hydrocephalus, parents, and doctors can brainstorm, share, support and generate discussion.  Since this condition is "all in your head" literally, symptoms can surface that don't make sense.  It can seem like a cold, like you are drunk or moody, can surface hostility, lethargy, and even go as far as to cause fevers... When a bunch of folks talk about it in the same place on line, sometimes you see trends, you recognize behaviors, you get a greater understanding.

So, since Sophie can't yet tell me fully what is bothering her, what hurts, why she's crying, if something is wrong.... I read posts on this page to keep in the loop of symptomatic behaviors.  Here's what I read today:

Location: North West IN.

I lost my son Michael on 6-10-10 do to a shunt malfuntion during pre-surgery.He was 15 and still had the shunt that was put in at 3 days old. He had headachs in Feb.we had a CT.and the Dr. said no problems. They said his body had stoped absorbing the fluid coming from the drain. His pressure was double what it should have been he had sever brain damage.We lost his Mom in 2003 and I miss them both.

My response:
"Words can not express what you must be going through with the loss of your son. My daughter is at the beginning of this journey. (she's 2 and had surgery at 1 month) I am fearful all the time."

My heart is with you...
Heidi

My friends, I am fearful every moment of every day.  The thought of losing my daughter because I was not able to recognize a symptom, get to a doctor, get a doctor to listen... that consumes my life.  I know it can be easy to pass judgement on over protective mothers, on those of us who hover, who panic, who hold their hands constantly, but....as the man above responded to me....

It's just this mama trying to be  "thankful for every moment that I have my daughter".  Because she can be gone in an instant.

Please don't read this post as morbid, dark, or depressing in nature.  It was not my intention at all!  It is simply me stating the reality of my life.  I live in a fearful reality.  That fear protects my daughter and I hope, will allow me to NEVER have to post what this dear man had to post on that page.

As the previous post expressed, I am so incredibly thankful for what I have been given. The problem is that I know it can be gone in a second...and I've had the distinct task of  experiencing the loss of a child and continuing a life with them no longer there.  It is not a burden that I would wish on my worst of enemies and not a burden that I can imagine ever surviving again.

Thanks for continuing your support, kindness and tolerance of this mama living her "Fearful Life".
xoxo

My Girl

A quote I borrowed from my friend Casey....

Bereaved parents know all too well what it's like to hear someone say, "It's time to move on and be thankful for what you have." That's easier said than done. You see, we are thankful for what we have. The problems we have are, 1) we know it can be gone in a second...2) we see what's no longer there. *Lisa Bryant

This is very true...

The house that never will be...

I am totally convinced we will never get to move in fully.   There is a series of little tiny things that keep us from the actual move in.  We've moved in stuff, we've tested paint, we've sorted boxes....we've gone home before dark every day so we can actually see.  Who knew the utilities would be the thing that drives us over the edge????? That, and the slowest moving contractor in the history of all contractors. Not the house people folks...the areas we sub-contracted... (basement, garage, etc.)

Thanks to Paradise Homes for doing their work in a timely and responsible fashion!!!  You guys are great! : )

Heidi

I love my kid!!!