Hi.
Just wanted to say that I have the most interesting child. Somedays I am incredibly concerned that she will be labled BD in kindergarten! Somedays I feel so sad for her and her little tiny body that keeps getting sick and feeling icky. Somedays I am amazed at her wit and outgoing personality. Somedays I am completely terrified of her wit and outgoing personality!!! hahaha
I am always proud of her little independant will. She knows what she wants and knows how to let EVERYONE in the room know it too. At least with Mommy and Daddy. I have seen some pretty "scary" personalities arising lately.
Weirdly enough, at daycare and the hospital, they are always saying what a sweet child she is. I got my first "negative" report from the daycare...and all the teacher said was, "she seemed a little grumpy today." Meanwhile, that morning she had nearly ripped every hair out of my head when I tried to dress her. A LITTLE grumpy????
At the hospital , (BTW...we had another stay there Sunday and Monday nights for an ear infection and perforated ear drum that accompanied a fever and cough) the nurses were fighting over having our little girl on their shift. We had visiter upon visitor of hospital staff who have grown to know and love our little quirky bird, both docs and nurses! We managed to have BOTH attendings come in to see us along with the charge nurse. When she was feeling better on our last day, she even went tearing down the hallway waving at everyone and blowing kisses. She hung out in the nurses station with nurse (and friend) Jamie while mama finally got a shower.
Also, I taught her to say "thankyou" to the docs when they are taking care of her..... even when the yucky stuff is happening. I try and say, "Sophie, it feels bad, but they are making you feel better...Can you say thankyou." She sadly signs and whimpers "daydoo" to them. Especially sad and pitiful after a rectal temp reading. : (
Well, this hospital stay I spent a lot of time rubbing her head, holding her close, cuddling her while watching cartoons, and generally spoiling her rotten. I felt so bad that I didn't catch on to her ear infection until the damage was done. I'd cover her up with her homemade blanket I brought with us (boy am I getting GOOD at the "hospital visit" bag of goodies: toys, special blankets, PJ's without feet so they can take vitals, extra diapers, snacks, pjs for mama, toddler fork, knife, sippy, plate, etc......) Anyways, I'd wrap her up and rub her little head and back until she would fall asleep. Why am I telling you this???? Here's why:
We came home from the hospital on Tuesday night. Let me tell you, I was worn out. You see, Jason left for an audit BEFORE we went to the hospital. After I realized Sophie had a fever and I was going to have to take her to the ER after her nap, I spent Sunday morning/early afternoon frantically cleaning and packing because I sensed the stay that was facing us when she finally woke up and we went to the hospital. I know it sounds paranoid, but I can't leave the house and head to hospital without an overnight bag. Even on regular appointments. We've just had to spend so much time there lately. (5 stays for either mama or Sophie since November 09) It eases my mind knowing the cat is fed, the bag is packed in the car, the dishes are done, etc.....
I digress.....ANYWAYS... when we got home I was pooped. The house was cleaned thanks to my neurotic naptime cleaning frenzy two days before... I am back to work now, and had missed 2 full days of work, which was riding on my mind a bit. Sophie was fed and well rested, on her medicine and the world was returning to normal. I guess the stress of it all finally hit me because, before I knew it, I had fallen asleep on the couch. I never do that when I am alone with Sophie. She is 18 months old, into everything and this house is not baby friendly. The only reason I knew I had fallen asleep is that I was awakened. Not by a loud crash, a shrill scream, a cat yelping in pain....no, nothing like that.... I was awakened by a gentle little hand rubbing my cheek and hair. As my eyes darted open in panick, I looked down to see my daughter standing by the couch. She was wrapping her blanket over my legs. (There was already another of her blankets placed on the top half of my body). She was standing on her little foam couch (that she had to scoot over to our couch and stand on so she could be tall enough to cover me with a blanket. She was rubbing my head just as I had rubbed hers the night before. She leaned over and gave me one of her famous open mouthed kisses.
Like I said, continually am I amazed at this interesting creature we have created, and so so so grateful to have a forever memory of that sweet moment.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Then and Now.....Wow!
This is me as a child....I'm guessing around 2-3 years of age.
My Kid!
The combo package!
My Kid!
The combo package!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
to blog.....a divine purpose
Although some folks may feel uncomfortable talking about their lives on the internet, I am not one of them. Now folks, I do not put everything "out there" in the cyber world. I do choose to sensor for my comfort level. The thing is, I just don't always sensor for the comfort level of others, nor am I going to. If someone feels uncomfortable reading my private blog, well then....ummm....don't read it. Stop now. Go back! Don't look! Well, you get the idea! If you have been a person invited to read this, then you are indeed a person who I trust, love or feel would respect the rantings of the person I have become. I have been so grateful to have this amazing tool to communicate to my family, who is spread all over. It has brought a grand-daughter closer to her "Abby"...and my family, now spread so far across the US, closer to me.
Recently, especially, the cyber world has served an extremely important role in my life. Here is the reason: You see, bedrest can be extremely lonely. Losing a baby can be taboo and an unspeakable situation, both physically and emotionally. So, needless to say, my potential for isolation in the last several months has been great. Add to that an amazing husband who travels bi-monthly and a move to a "country town" where I have no close friends, in a house that is overcrowded and let's just say DEPRESSING, and you have a cocktail for potential emotional disaster.
Why should we feel so isolated?? Why should life feel that way when you are working so hard to live a good life and be a good person? Well folks, it shouldn't. Simple as that. We have been given a tool that can be a life line for some people, and by golly...I'm using it! Where most folks might pull away from the outside world in my situation. I have chosen to talk on line. I know, not totally in the real world, but a place where I can still "recover" and be able to be social...at my own pace...with an erase button if necessary! ...and all in the luxury of my comfy pajamas.
Here are some of the ways my life has forever been changed/helped by this relatively new form of communication in my life. This is not to take away any of the amazing support I have received from my family and friends... Just feel like I should share a part of me that you all might not be aware is out there.
First off, I joined an on line support group while on bed rest (group of pregnant women on bedrest) and befriended a few lovely ladies who I remain in contact with . I also was suggested some AMAZING lady friends who were in my situation at WVU Hospitals only months before I was there. We message eachother often. Although their situations ended better than ours, we would not have made it as far as we did without them. They were an amazing source of advice and friendship. I will always remain indebted to them for their kindness, information and support!
I, of course, continue to talk to my mama friends whom I already knew... ( thank God I have you women in my LIFE). They were, and continue to be my cheerleaders, my strength, my reality check...You are amazing women. (QFemmes, B and B girls and blog/fb friends) Many of these women are moms, both working and stay-at-home..who have made GREAT sacrifices for the betterment of their families. Sometimes, at 2am when we are all on line and can't sleep for various kid illnesses, insomnia, worry, fatigue....etc. We are comforted in the fact that we are not alone in the world.
I have become both on-line and email friends with a handful of the medical professionals that cared for me in the worst of times....both doctors and nurses. There is something about our family's situation and loss that is simply uncomprehendable until you have been there.
The exception to that statement is, of course, the medical team....especially nurses. A woman in pain, relying on another woman to hold your hand, to support you, to help you through one of the most tragic times in your life...and through it all, telling you that you are strong and capable to handle anything. "You can do this. You are strong. Don't be scared. You are not alone. We are right here with you." Words I heard spoken in my ear when I didn't think I could go another moment. These women were an amazing source of strength for Jason and I. It is a moment in time that forever bonds you to eachother. I am so glad to have made these friends, even as a result of such tragedy. When/If Jason and I decide we are ready to try again. I KNOW I will have the medical support of friends...not the fear of the unknown I once spoke of with Sophie's birth.
Recently, I have been able to talk to friends who have just been put on bedrest, or who are still on bedrest. Women who need the support, who need a cheerleader and a positive word. I can not express to you how heartwarming it is for me to feel like I might help them get through a time that was so very hard for me. I have watched a mama friend go from fear, to near fruition as she enters the "safe zone" of her pregnancy. I have chatted with her and shared laughs, loves, frustration, and fears. I'm so very proud of her. She is incredibly strong. (you go YG!!) I think of these women daily and send the "good vibes" their way, knowing that they spend many hours a day in fear and isolation. Some of these women I've known for years, some were strangers until we found eachother online...either way...forever friends now.
Finally, I have made friends with a mom, who like me, has lost a child. (((hugs for AF and mama)))Although our situations are different, our emotions are similar. I think of her every day and hope she is putting one foot on the ground, then the other..and starting the day one minute at a time, as I am. I was/am able, I hope, to offer a hand of support and understanding for her, as she has for me.
I have used the words of all the women I have described above to lend support to those who may need it. I have sent the quotes, passed on email addresses, offered the advice, shared the medical experiences, passed on the wisdom and humor. Essentially, I have "paid it forward". The love and support I have recieved from all of you.....family and friends, I've been able to give to others...sometimes on my own...sometimes with your very own words...
You see, losing Emma is something that has changed me forever...but in some ways maybe, I have been taught to not worry so much about what others think...I have been given the opportunity and means to help someone who needs it. If I have been able to smile when I thought I never would again, if I am able to realize that all things happen for a reason, if I can find the "stars" in the darkness (as MK so eloquently put it) and help guide others through the darkness...then maybe, just maybe...this little computer may be a tool of more significance than any of us ever realized, and our loss has a divine purpose in this new and strange world.
My mother often refers to our Emma Kate as the "hero" who sacrificed her life in order to save her daughter's life (which medically, she did). If this is indeed the case, than I would be a fool not to live my life to the fullest, to do what I feel is right, by any means necessary.
Thanks for reading...Hope you found something useful in these random thoughts of mine.
Much Love,
Heidi
Recently, especially, the cyber world has served an extremely important role in my life. Here is the reason: You see, bedrest can be extremely lonely. Losing a baby can be taboo and an unspeakable situation, both physically and emotionally. So, needless to say, my potential for isolation in the last several months has been great. Add to that an amazing husband who travels bi-monthly and a move to a "country town" where I have no close friends, in a house that is overcrowded and let's just say DEPRESSING, and you have a cocktail for potential emotional disaster.
Why should we feel so isolated?? Why should life feel that way when you are working so hard to live a good life and be a good person? Well folks, it shouldn't. Simple as that. We have been given a tool that can be a life line for some people, and by golly...I'm using it! Where most folks might pull away from the outside world in my situation. I have chosen to talk on line. I know, not totally in the real world, but a place where I can still "recover" and be able to be social...at my own pace...with an erase button if necessary! ...and all in the luxury of my comfy pajamas.
Here are some of the ways my life has forever been changed/helped by this relatively new form of communication in my life. This is not to take away any of the amazing support I have received from my family and friends... Just feel like I should share a part of me that you all might not be aware is out there.
First off, I joined an on line support group while on bed rest (group of pregnant women on bedrest) and befriended a few lovely ladies who I remain in contact with . I also was suggested some AMAZING lady friends who were in my situation at WVU Hospitals only months before I was there. We message eachother often. Although their situations ended better than ours, we would not have made it as far as we did without them. They were an amazing source of advice and friendship. I will always remain indebted to them for their kindness, information and support!
I, of course, continue to talk to my mama friends whom I already knew... ( thank God I have you women in my LIFE). They were, and continue to be my cheerleaders, my strength, my reality check...You are amazing women. (QFemmes, B and B girls and blog/fb friends) Many of these women are moms, both working and stay-at-home..who have made GREAT sacrifices for the betterment of their families. Sometimes, at 2am when we are all on line and can't sleep for various kid illnesses, insomnia, worry, fatigue....etc. We are comforted in the fact that we are not alone in the world.
I have become both on-line and email friends with a handful of the medical professionals that cared for me in the worst of times....both doctors and nurses. There is something about our family's situation and loss that is simply uncomprehendable until you have been there.
The exception to that statement is, of course, the medical team....especially nurses. A woman in pain, relying on another woman to hold your hand, to support you, to help you through one of the most tragic times in your life...and through it all, telling you that you are strong and capable to handle anything. "You can do this. You are strong. Don't be scared. You are not alone. We are right here with you." Words I heard spoken in my ear when I didn't think I could go another moment. These women were an amazing source of strength for Jason and I. It is a moment in time that forever bonds you to eachother. I am so glad to have made these friends, even as a result of such tragedy. When/If Jason and I decide we are ready to try again. I KNOW I will have the medical support of friends...not the fear of the unknown I once spoke of with Sophie's birth.
Recently, I have been able to talk to friends who have just been put on bedrest, or who are still on bedrest. Women who need the support, who need a cheerleader and a positive word. I can not express to you how heartwarming it is for me to feel like I might help them get through a time that was so very hard for me. I have watched a mama friend go from fear, to near fruition as she enters the "safe zone" of her pregnancy. I have chatted with her and shared laughs, loves, frustration, and fears. I'm so very proud of her. She is incredibly strong. (you go YG!!) I think of these women daily and send the "good vibes" their way, knowing that they spend many hours a day in fear and isolation. Some of these women I've known for years, some were strangers until we found eachother online...either way...forever friends now.
Finally, I have made friends with a mom, who like me, has lost a child. (((hugs for AF and mama)))Although our situations are different, our emotions are similar. I think of her every day and hope she is putting one foot on the ground, then the other..and starting the day one minute at a time, as I am. I was/am able, I hope, to offer a hand of support and understanding for her, as she has for me.
I have used the words of all the women I have described above to lend support to those who may need it. I have sent the quotes, passed on email addresses, offered the advice, shared the medical experiences, passed on the wisdom and humor. Essentially, I have "paid it forward". The love and support I have recieved from all of you.....family and friends, I've been able to give to others...sometimes on my own...sometimes with your very own words...
You see, losing Emma is something that has changed me forever...but in some ways maybe, I have been taught to not worry so much about what others think...I have been given the opportunity and means to help someone who needs it. If I have been able to smile when I thought I never would again, if I am able to realize that all things happen for a reason, if I can find the "stars" in the darkness (as MK so eloquently put it) and help guide others through the darkness...then maybe, just maybe...this little computer may be a tool of more significance than any of us ever realized, and our loss has a divine purpose in this new and strange world.
My mother often refers to our Emma Kate as the "hero" who sacrificed her life in order to save her daughter's life (which medically, she did). If this is indeed the case, than I would be a fool not to live my life to the fullest, to do what I feel is right, by any means necessary.
Thanks for reading...Hope you found something useful in these random thoughts of mine.
Much Love,
Heidi
Thursday, January 7, 2010
We were playing the "cheese!" game!!
Mommy: "Can you say cheese????"
Sophie: "ssshhhheeeeeeeeeaaaazzzzzzeeeeee"
Look at those teeth..She's a little girl, with BIG teeth!
I do think that my daughter looks like her Daddy a bunch...I am starting to see a hint of mama coming out in the eyes and smile! : ) Yahoo! Maybe the nose too!
Sophie: "ssshhhheeeeeeeeeaaaazzzzzzeeeeee"
Look at those teeth..She's a little girl, with BIG teeth!
I do think that my daughter looks like her Daddy a bunch...I am starting to see a hint of mama coming out in the eyes and smile! : ) Yahoo! Maybe the nose too!
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