Hi

a quick message...

Nights are really hard.
Time has not healed any wounds thus far...

Mommy is going back for her first follow up doctor visit tomorrow. Hoping they say good things and not scary ones.

Also, as hospital procedure dictates....I will be receiving a photo of our Emma Kate tomorrow, along with a hand print done in clay. This will be a heavy hearted appointment for me to go to alone, but Jason can't come..so this is how it goes.

Wouldn't necessarily want anyone else there anyways, because I've had my fair share of spontaneous outbursts of emotion these days. Don't need any more witnesses to that mess. As I said to a friend today...I just wish I could wear a t-shirt that says, "Grieving and Hormonal--Please excuse my behavior". After all, the second my mouth opens, tears come pouring out of my eyes at an uncanny and uncontrollable rate.

So, send me those strong mommy/wife/daughter/sister/friend vibes, K? xoxo

We are taking things one day at a time...with a little ray of sunshine to guide us through the clouds..

Her first "school picture" taken at the daycare. She was a little red and stuffy looking from a cold, but she hams it up good for the photographer. She's our little rag-a-muffin! Oh, and yes, she has a golf ball sized bruise on her forehead. That was an accident AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE. Starting to see the little stars...

There's our little bright eyes!

sad news for friends and family...

With great sadness, I want to tell you that Jason and lost the baby this weekend. There is no easy way to say that, and no easy way to hear it. So bear with us as I do my best to share with you..l

There is no need to go into great detail, but it appears as maybe there was a problem called "Placenta Abrupton". It caused my body to have pre term labor, incompetent cervix and alot of pain.

I was brought to the hospital by ambulance Saturday night. I was in intense pain and thought I was having labor contractions. When I was put on the monitor, there were no signs of contractions and all looked "fine". They decided it was irritable bowel syndrome and tried to send me home. I refused to go. Jason was sent home to take care of Sophie at that point. In the middle of the night, after 12 bouts of this mysterious pain, things just got to painful to bear. I called the nurse and begged for some help to alleviate the pain.

They called the docs and took a closer look. Everyone took the pain seriously at this point and realized my body started to show signs of labor, although I still wasn't registering any contractions. I was admitted officially and they made the decision to remove the ceclage to avoid tearing. When they did, I immediately dialated to 4 cm, was 80 % effaced and went into labor. They did everything they could to stop it, but to no avail.

"Emma Kate" was born at 12:28pm and passed away shortly after. She did not have enough lung development to survive and had suffered some trauma during birth as well. Jason and I were there for her and mama got to hold her in the end. It was very sad for all of us. We are surviving and will, in time be able to share more with family and friends.

We have decided not to do a burial and service, rather...we will be having a special piece of artwork created to go into our new house that incorporates her hand/foot prints. We want to celebrate her short life, not memorialize her death.

Jason has been a source of unbelievable strength and courage throughout this. He was thrown many heart wrenching choices to make in a short amount of time. I was too incapacitated to always help him. He is my hero and has more courage than anyone I have ever met.

I will be off work for some time to recover physically and mentally. I am unsure of when I will return.

I will, most likely be discharged today, Monday. We have some arrangements to make, but will be home this evening. We are going to stay pretty low key and just enjoy some time with our Sophie girl. She is a beacon of hope and light in this otherwise sad and tragic situation. She is a miracle and we have been reminded how precious a gift she truly is.

Please know, that we have so much love inside of us right now. We don't want folks to feel heavy hearted for us. We understand, beyond anything, that this was no one's fault and was meant to be. We appreciate all the kind words and gestures, although we may not get back to you right away. My sister, Tisha is helping with Sophie, staying at our house and getting things organized and handled on the homefront. She will also be filtering phone calls and taking messages as they come in. We are choosing to grieve privately. Please know, that we truly appreciate all the messages and calls we have received. We will be back from this with time and some healing.

Much Love to everyone.

I'm sorry blog world, I have neglected you....

First, for those of you who need a "Sophie Fix". I know you do..... I mean, who wouldn't????? Look at the monkey!!! Please ignore the mess you see in the background. We have turned our bedroom into "storage central" so everything I need can be within 1 step's grasp. Not a pretty picture, though!!! : O)
This is Sophie's Grandma Priscilla. She came to visit and help out the other day. Any doubt which side of the family that our girl resembles????hmmmmmmm?????? Sure Ain't mama!!! Btw. she is eating a mozzerella cheese stick...She's very happy. Unfortunately, her tummy suffered for a couple days afterwords. She had like 3 of them!!!!!! (DID I MENTION THAT BED REST STINKS!!) I can't do my normal mama control on the diet....oh well...such is life. That was Daddy's doing!! Hahahahaha He loves them too!!! Bath time.....Our wild girl in action....Splish splashing away!!!!!

This is earlier in the night, prior to not eating the good, "Mommy recommended" diet of meat and veggies...... What can you do???? Take a look at those TEETH. She has a bunch now, and seems to be working on the "fang" teeth these days. What are they called anyways????

Now for a mommy update: Those of you who are generally not interested in reading the in's and out's of medicine and full disclosure info....go ahead and move on to your next blog. For those of you who are interested in finding out the nitty gritty version...read on!!!

First, an update: Last week I went to the ER with pre-term labor again. Thankfully, the cerclage is holding tight and, although my body is trying to move things along, they now have me on meds and STRICT bedrest to prolong the pregnancy. So, that's 2 hospital stays in 3 weeks. I was wondering why they weren't keeping me....I figured it out, I think.

Look on line and research pre-mature babies. There is a "limit" to when Doctors are allowed to use extreme means to revive a baby. Before that limit, it is "illegal' for them to revive the baby. It is considered, cruel and unusual punishment to the preemie. That is anytime before 23 weeks of justation. The quality of the baby's life would be just too painful for them. The youngest surviving preemie in the world was born at 21 weeks, 6 days. The mama "fibbed" so the doctors would try their best.

I just crossed the 23 week line 2 days ago. WHEW!!! My guess is that they didn't find it beneficial for either mama or baby to put me in that predicament if the result would have been the same. Now, we are moving into a better (not great) place, so we shall see what the future holds for my residency.

You'd think with all this time on my hands, that I would be blogging like crazy. Yet, "PROCARDIA BRAIN" has totally messed me up. So, if you have noticed my grammatical errors, my lack of posts, etc... It is because I'm over medicated and feel like, well.....the only word for it is "POOH".

Procardia is a blood pressure med., that has a side effect of slowing down "uteran activity". Basically, what slows your heart rate, or heart muscle...also slows down your uterus. Unfortunately, since I don't have high blood pressure, it bottoms out my BP and has a lot of nasty side effects as a result. (similar to magnesium sulfate, for those who have ever been on that) Some include racing heart (heart tries to get the pressure back up), shaky, nauseated, extreme dizziness, achiness, anxiety, and migrane 20 minutes after you take the drug etc..... IN FACT, my doctor (high risk) Dr. Hochberg, said these words at my last visit. "You know Heidi, I take all the meds I give my mama's (minus the hormones, obviously) because I want to know what I am putting them through. I want to know how they feel...and let me tell you....this is the worst. It makes you feel like total shit. Do you hear that Dr. "Resident"?????? Have YOU taken this to see how she feels? You need to do that TODAY. You need to understand."

Yes, I love him. He's every bit of 65-75 years old....he has a NY accent and is a good mix between Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman ( the Mr. Magorium Magic Emporium character) and I just figured out the third....MY GRANDMA JEAN!!!!! He is a real guy, with a potty mouth and a lot of "hutspah". The nurse calls him "Old school"in a kind way. He's seen alot, doesn't care if he's "doing it by the book". He wants to just make it be right. Don't know how he'll be in delivery, but as far as my care....there is a high risk team that is making decisions, so i feel that they will be doing the right thing for both mama and baby. (some of sophie's old docs are on that team, so they are familiar with our history...that eases my mind as well.)

Ok....so where are we right now?.... Well, my cervix has shortened again and is slightly funneling. At the time of the cerclage, they gave me 2.4 cm of cervix. At the last ultrasound I only had 1.4 cm still left. Basically, I have 1.4 cm between baby and the outside world. The cerclage is still holding on, but the bigger baby gets, the harder that will be. BABY LOOKS GREAT! She is a REAL mover and has an average heart rate of between 160-170..That's fast. She's energetic! I'm sure when she gets here, she will be quite a spunky lil' character.

They THINK....maybe....that Sophie's birth was more traumatic than we first thought. I mean, heck...I KNEW it was traumatic and my body didn't feel right afterwords, but we had bigger fish to fry. She was my priority, so my body's aches and pains were not important. Things looked ok in exams, so no one was really concerned at the time.

Dr. Hochberg.....(did I mention I love him) said this to me when I seemed discouraged about the loss of centimeters..."Hell Heidi, I am optimistic here....you see, you had no G.D. cervix when I performed the surgery....so anything you have now is better than at that moment....Got it??" I told you he was a real potty mouth!!!!

So, that's "the skinny" for what it's worth. We are hanging tough and doing the best we can. I'm struggling with my lack of control and ability to do what I need to for Sophie, but everyone is helping when they can. We are squeaking by. My hope is that we build this house QUICK, and can bring the new little peanut into a nice spatious, warm environment. I really don't think this house could handle another warm body. Especially if #2 needs any medical intervention... We just don't have the space.

OK..enough for now. Please comment, let me know you are out there!!!! It's nice to have any contact from the outside world!

Happy thoughts!

Heidi

The wants of a bed ridden woman...a diatribe

I've been working on this post since my bed rest started....It's a rant. Be forewarned!!!!! A venting of my inability to get up and just GET what I want...I'm whining, pouting, stomping my feet, (well, not really)...but you get the idea.... Its just for fun...So jump in, and belt up for a real life pout fest ride!!! haha I believe that I will be making this post a series, as my wants, needs, or can't haves list just keeps growing and growning....Here's phase one!

I want:


My mom's homemade bread pudding. Not the store stuff...the weird, warm, milky yummy goodness I faintly remember as a child...with raisons, but no nuts...


While we are at the bread thing...my mom's home made bread. Not necessarily to eat, although that would be delightful...I want the smell in the air. Clean, yeasty, warm and buttery... My dad recently reminded me of a bread she used to make, braiding white, wheat, and rye into a beautiful tri-colored loaf... When, on God's green earth did she ever have time or energy to do that????...Oh yeah...that was before we had cable television, ipods, cell phones, and facebook....that's right.


I want a spa treatment, from head to toe.... Hair dyed and cut..and STRAIGHTENED...can't be on my feet long enough to do that these days. Nails all pretty...etc...The works.....No baby should have to come into this world looking at a washed up mama! hahaha


I want no clutter in my visual inventory... umm an impossibility considering I have to have most of my life on a tv stand beside my bed these days... oh...and we have NO closets in this tiny little house.


I want to build the house of my dreams and have plenty of time to do it...Don't get me wrong..when we build, it will be nice...but it is a fast house,because we need it fast. No cathedral ceilings, no exposed beams, no stone work or wrap around porch... selfish dreams, I know.....but this is a diatribe, right????


I want really good home made iced tea...the caffeinated kind...slightly sweeter than normal but not to the "southern sweet tea" level....with lots of ice...yummm NO LEMON


a football game...where I could have a beer and have to run around and find a portapotty...free of diaper bags, wipes, and baby carriers. Dress in blue and gold and seeing all the silly drunk people!



The BEACH....with a seafood bar that would nearly kill me.....an oyster bar..at happy hour....with my hubby.



Sushi....I want GOOD sushi...and I fear it will never happen now that my favorite restaurant was bought out.....and cheapened.....bummer OH YES..and SAKI, how could I forget warm saki.



I want to have a party...a family reunion....with MY family and friends. At MY house with MY dishes and wedding gifts that I STILL haven't been given PERMISSION to use yet because we are waiting to use the NEW stuff in the NEW house.....Complete with a sing along around the piano that is still being generously babysat by my piano tuning friend Tim Richards...It was supposed to be a year...then Sophie came with her complications, then house building....now #2....That piano will be the first thing that gets moved into our new house. End of story. He's a good friend!



I want a really yummy steak dinner, at the Wonder Bar....with a glass of amazing red wine (Asara, would be my pic Trisha) and a filet, SMOTHERED in mushrooms and bleu cheese... Yet another food on the "do not eat" list. And while I'm at it, why do we always crave the things we cannot have when we are pregnant? There's an obvious theme of alcohol and risky food here.... Ironically, I have never craved pickles...like the stereotype hints to, although I've given it a go to try and force a pickle craving this time... after hubby bought me a GALLON of whole dill pickles...no such luck..



I want to go running....without the assistance of 2 sports bras, a stroller, and breast pads...Those of you who have breastfed know what I'm referring to....



Heck, for that matter....I want to go out in public, just once, where I don't look down and determine that some sort of milk or mucous (runny nose) based product has left a stain on my boob, shoulder, or stomache area..



I'd love to go out of the house and not be told, "You have something on your face....oh....I guess that doesnt' come off.." sometimes dry skin, sometimes pregnancy mask, sometimes a blemish, sometimes feeding baby remnants....Something's always there.



AND speaking of faces, what's up with all the moles, freckles, red spots and weird growths during pregnancy???? Every little mole or speck of imperfection swells and grows to a grotesque alien type appendage during pregnancy... In fact, Both with Sophie and little girl #2, I have developed a bright red spot in the center of my nose. It is there permanently during the pregnancy, not a blemish, not a freckle, not a mole... a GIANT RED SPOT!!!! Seriously, I could play Rudolph in any school play. I think it was my first sign that I was pregnant again....HEY! It's my pregnancy meter!



I want a car that doesn't require me to contort my body in a weird and strange position to get my kid in the car seat, my purse where I have access, and my butt securely seatbelted in. SUV...please?

I want to be young enough to lay on the couch, all contorted and wrapped up in a blanket and my hubby...watching movies and eating popcorn...Unfortunately, we don't fit like that with the ole preggo belly and my old lady bones ache when I try to get all "snuggy on the couch" longer than 10 minutes.

I want a garden. I know, random.... THIS IS A RANT PEOPLE!!! hahaha

....and finally, I want world peace. hahaha